6000 miles and a day: March 2014

In the adoption world, "attachment" is a big buzz word. It essentially refers to how a child bonds to their parents after adoption. There are many many many great books and resources about this, so I won't pretend that I am qualified to educate you all about it. However we did want to discuss an important part of attachment, which is cocooning.

Nope, we aren't talking about the movie or what a butterfly comes out of.

Cocooning describes the time when you first bring your child home. The concept is to keep the child's world really small so that they learn who their parents are and learn to trust them and count on them for their needs.
Little Milo is about to lose everything and everyone he has ever known and as you can imagine that will (and should) cause him to be uncertain and scared. Once trust is established between him and us, his world can open up a little to learn that there are other people he can trust while still maintaining the knowledge that his parents are his number one caregivers. This is something that Brian and I believe strongly in and will be doing once we get home.

When Milo comes home, he will be overwhelmed. Everything around him will be new and he will need to learn not just about his new environment, but also about love and family. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed him. As the days go by, he will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Due to this, those first few weeks or months home, we need to be the only ones to hold him, give him food and drinks and meet all of his physical and emotional needs. We will not allow anyone to babysit or watch him, not even for a few hours, for a while. He has had many caregivers in his life and it will take some time for him to become secure in the fact that we’re not going anywhere. We know how hard it will be for you in the beginning to not hug or hold him, give him food or offer him a drink. We understand that you have waited and anticipated his arrival as much as we have, but we promise you the reward will be great! Once he is securely attached to us, he will be able to give and receive love from all the other very important people in his life. How long this takes will depend on how quickly he adjusts and attaches.

You may see Milo and think he is so friendly and adaptable and adjusting so well because he will happily go to anyone. This is actually a survival mechanism that children in orphanages pick up. They learn to be charming and cute towards adults to have their needs met and get what they want. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. We want him to turn to us when he is hurt, hungry, tired or sad, not just the closest adult around. Until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection or comfort. In time, when he understands we are “his people” you will be encouraged to give out plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles.

You may notice we are parenting Milo a little differently than you might parent your children. It will probably look like we are babying and spoiling him. This is another way to build attachment. When a child is an infant, you say “yes” to all of their demands. Yes I will feed you, yes I will change your diaper, yes I will help you fall asleep. Coming from an orphanage, Milo did not get this experience. We need to teach him that from now on, all of his needs will be met by us unconditionally and that we are a forever family.

All this does not mean we do not want visitors or want to be left alone. In fact the opposite is true. We will need extra support as we navigate through the first few months of being new parents. Please feel free to call, text or email often. We will be honest with you and tell you if it is a good time to talk or come over for a visit. We will more than likely be avoiding large groups, crowds or noisy situations for a while as these might overwhelm Milo.

Please don’t be afraid to ask questions. We won’t be offended as we know many of our friends and family have no or little experience with adoption. However we do ask for understanding if we give you an answer that you aren’t expecting or doesn’t sound "right" to you.

We want to thank you for the love and support that you have already given us. We couldn’t ask for a better community of friends and family to bring Milo home to. We’d be honored if you would pray for us during this time and pray for Milo as his little world is about to be rocked in ways that we can’t even imagine.

Phew that was a lot of information!! Thanks for making it this far!

If your eyeballs haven't fallen out yet and you still want to learn more, please take a few minutes and read the below blog post from another adoptive mom. She does a great job explaining some common misconceptions and thoughts about adoption.

Our children are not necessarily grateful to have been adopted.

And we don't expect them to be. It is not that our kids don't notice the stability of a family. It's not that they don't cherish the love that they are receiving or that they don't like their new life. It is because children are programmed to need, want and expect love. When we provide it we are not heroes, we are simply meeting one of their very basic needs. Expecting adopted children to be grateful for being adopted is like expecting our biological children to be grateful for being conceived. It was a choice that we, their parents, made and that they were brought into.

Parenting an adopted child is hard work and we struggle.
We may tell you that were okay when we're really falling apart. We're worried that if we are honest about how difficult it is that you won't understand and that you'll think we're nuts. Adding a child who may or may not have anything in common with us socially, culturally, biologically or even personality-wise is challenging. Though undoubtedly beautiful and worth all of the struggles, adoption certainly isn't always easy or pretty.

If you'd like to offer support (meal, help with house cleaning, etc) when an adopted child joins the family, please do even if we don't reach out and ask.
Many of us won't specifically ask for help or tell you what we need. However, I don't know a single adoptive mom who would turn down an offer to have a group of friends tidy/clean her house during those first few weeks at home with a new child. Likewise, coffee and chocolate are most always welcome and might be exactly what a new adoptive mom needs to get through those challenging times of adjustment!

Please don't try to get our child to like you the most.
Attachment and bonding are challenging enough without having friends and family slip our children candy, shower them with gifts, offer seconds at meals or encouraging bending and stretching of family rules. We're already working our tails off to get them to like us. With consistency and time they will learn to like you too, I promise.

Be considerate of the types of questions that you ask about our child's background and personal history, especially in their presence and especially if they are old enough to understand.
Would it offend you if someone asked if you have AIDS, if you were abandoned, if your parents were drug users or how your parents died? If so, best not to ask these questions to someone else. We understand that it is normal to be curious and to wonder about the circumstances that led to a child's adoption. However, these are things that we discuss openly in our immediate family but not elsewhere. Our children may or may not choose to divulge more of their personal stories someday when they are older but they are THEIR stories and details to share, not mine.

Sometimes adopted children need to be parented differently than biological children.
We are not spoiling them. We aren't making excuses for poor behavior. Rather, we are parenting a child whose background may be very dissimilar to anything we've experienced. A child who has been abandoned and who has a fear of abandonment shouldn't be sent to time out alone in another room. A child who is still attaching to their adoptive family may need to be firmly held while having loving, affirming words whispered into their ear during a full-blown tantrum. The types of consequences that work for other children might not work for a child who doesn't have the same sense of value of their possessions and who doesn't understand what it means to have privileges. As parents, we must be flexible to help meet the individual needs of our child even if it means that we do things a little differently sometimes.

Attachment takes time and work.
It doesn't happen overnight. Even if it appears that our child is securely attached to us it may take many months or years and every child and every family bonds differently. Many times we're faking it until we make it but one day we will wake up and realize that we're not faking it anymore and that our love is deep and real.

Parents who have recently added a child through adoption need support, friendship, love and encouragement.
Even if we're somewhat withdrawn and spending a lot of time at home cocooning with our new addition we value our friendships. Please continue to check up on us and to email, text, call or stop by. If you were in our life before we still want you in our life and in the lives of our children!

Educating your children about adoption and diversity helps my children.
Talking openly about adoption, children who look different than one or both parents and other "nontraditional" family structures helps our children feel accepted and secure at extracurricular activities, church, school and elsewhere in our community.

Our children may be "delayed" when they join our family but often they just need time.
Adopted children are placed into environments that may be very different than anything they've ever experienced. They may be overstimulated, confused and sometimes there are language barriers. With time and patience most emotional, intellectual and physical delays will be overcome.

Please do not tell us how amazing we (parents) are because we have chosen to adopt.
We know that this comment is usually intended as a compliment but our adopted kids are not burdens, charity cases or a community service project to be completed.  As parents we gladly invest the time and energy needed to ensure the happiness and well-being of any of our children.

We may discourage physical contact with our child for the first several months that they are home or until we feel like they are securely attached to us.
Please do not insist on holding them, hugging them or having them sit on your lap. Many children who have lived in orphanages and institutions learn to fight for adult attention. Often they can put on quite the show and act like the most friendly, charming child to draw attention to themselves. While it may be cute and though it gives the false impression that they are well-adjusted and confident, it is very important that initially the parents are the only adults who help fulfill these children's need for physical affection. This also teaches healthy boundaries and is a safety consideration since no child, adopted or biological, should feel obligated to have close physical contact with someone that they do not know well.

We do not advertise our child's "cost".
If you would like to know how expensive our adoption process was, please ask when our children are not present, call after our kids are in bed or send us an email. Most adoptive families are happy to share our experiences and to provide helpful information but we do not ever want our children to feel like they were bought or that they are commodities.

When the going gets tough please do not ask if we regret our decision to adopt or imply that "we asked for it".
Few people would tell a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky newborn "well, you asked for this" and it would be considered rude to ask a new mother if she regretted her decision to have a baby. Just because something is difficult does not mean that we regret it. There are bumps in the road of every journey.

Even the happiest of adoptions are a result of challenging or difficult circumstances.
Though we like to think of adoption as a "happy ending", birth parents may have made difficult decisions, children may have faced losses and many lives were forever changed. Though most adopted children grow to be happy, well-adjusted adults and though most adoptive families are beautiful and full of love, it is important not to romanticize adoption.

And, most importantly:

No one is perfect.
We know that our family is different. We understand that it is impossible to be sensitive and politically correct in every situation all the time. These are ideas and suggestions, not commandments.

Source blogs: The Kitchen is not my office and We will always have hope